have yourself some girly time, if you're feeling me

I've been feeling my way around solitude lately. Trying to find some space, trying to get centered and really just reaching deep into my soul to fling out a very bashed up Maria for a little chat. My mind is scattered & i'm not digging it.

For years, i've been on a roll to set the stage perfect so that the foundations of my life are powerful for me to grow forth from here. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. I love living life on the fast lane and being unstoppable because time is most perishable. BUT.

I spent this year, making big decisions for my life. Huge. They materialised & i see the fruits of my labour. Now that i'm here at the summit of my own mountain, why don't i feel any different? I should be feeling extremely accomplished to have ticked almost everything on my life's list at my youth's peak, right? I don't.

I've learnt that i am fed up and simply exhausted because boy oh boy, don't i just love to vacuum the life out of myself? But these days.. Ahhh these days. I give up. I spend too much time shuttling between planning, being worried, trying to sort every single thing out..

Now, i'm going to cut the crap and eat the apples of my hard work.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time i told myself "do this, you DESERVE it" or submit to the temptations of splurging on myself just because. I can't remember the last time i did something pampering without feeling guilty. I can't even remember the last time i plucked my eyebrows correctly, what more perfectly. Heck, i don't remember the last time i felt like a queen. All dolled up, feeling like a million dollars, pampered even if for just a little while?

So guess what. I'm going on vacation though not literally. I'm going to put all that energy that i put on driving high speed through my life into MYSELF.

I'm taking many off days ahead to have 'me' time. To drop everything and listen to my own heart for decisions, to listen to my body for healing, to tap myself on the back for doing what i did right, to pray with gratitude for life but simultaneously break the monotony of it to be alive. Most importantly, to love me like i should be loved.

My mind, heart and soul is on a holiday.

Because hell yeah, i DESERVE it.

an alternate city life

If in the perfect world, i'm left with no choice but to remain a city girl forever, I would choose a life & home that looks exactly like this..
So genius. This is Annie Novak's Rooftop Farm, see more here at The Selby!

the modern, well-educated WOMAN - what does she want?

Hello! How's it going?

Yesterday i attended the said book club & again was not disappointed. Being me, dying to be back in school & revive some creativity, this was therapy. The one thing i really, truly love about being part of a book club is that it gives the book you've read more depth, if that means anything. I wasn't done reading Catherine Lim's Miss Seetoh in the World when i attended the meeting last night, i was up until chapter 6 & had 14 more chapters to go but it was really building up for me. I liked it & thought 'everyone's going to give it a thumbs up, or two'. But NO. Much to my surprise, a third of the members did not like it. Very interesting.

The different views allowed for us to think about parts of the book that we didn't think much of until it was brought to light by another member. So your idea of the book forms only the root & with the addition of ideas from separate perspectives, it becomes a tree. Branching out into more avenues for thought. A tree of knowledge. You think creatively without paying tuition. I like it.

Miss Seetoh is a polished, poised, well-educated lady who made the decision to slip into a marriage with a man she did not love, or at least thought that she did. Set in Singapore sometime in the 60s, where reservation was still well maintained by tradition, she was stuck.. being a woman. A passionate lover of the English language, she became a teacher much adored by her students for her fun & unconventional methods of teaching. All she ever longed for was freedom. First she wanted to have her own bed because she had shared hers with her mother until she got married, then she wanted her own room, her own house, & of course, her own life made by her own decisions. She was a modern lady shackled by tradition or family pressure, a conservative society, a pressing government, & more than anything, womanhood.

Seetoh realizes shortly after her honeymoon that her marriage was doomed to fail. He so passionately in love with her and she, so full of regrets. The ultimate one being her accepting his hand in marriage. She & her husband were part of a community of devout catholics & divorce was unthinkable & not to mention, a solution that was not within her reach. She wasn't afraid of God as much as she was afraid of society at large. It spiraled down further when her husband became a monster fed by his insecurities which developed since he discovered that this love was not mutual. He died not long later & she had her freedom. Or did she?

I won't discuss the different views on this book but some of the things running through my mind right now..
What's the definition of freedom for a woman?
How long can you enjoy that private sanctuary you call personal space aka freedom before your maternal nature intrudes?
Does it even matter - maternity?
Is this what every brilliant, well-educated, modern woman grapple with - freedom vs. marriage?
Is marriage really nothing more than a dark, suffocating dungeon or do they just scare themselves so much?
When a woman loves her craft with vicious passion, does she lose her interest to become a woman more than to become a great artist?
Finally, the modern woman is so resistant & never wants to submit - is she too narcissistic? Or worse, just plain selfish?

UNIFEM Book Club - Miss Seetoh in the World

Welcome back to Monday (snores)! We had a nice weekend, didn't we?

Just a giving everyone a heads up about the UNIFEM Book Club. The dates are out but i might be accused of posting this too late. Bummer. I'm really sorry!

The UNIFEM Book Club is open to any of us who's interested to discuss global issues affecting women. It covers everything from abuse, oppression, freedom, poverty, education & etc. I don't consider it a feminist event because from the last one i attended, the ladies did mention it'll be great to hear a gentleman's point of view about these topics. I really urge you to come & join us because it's refreshing, engaging, & really inspirational.

I do recommend that you keep an open mind about the discussion. Once, we discussed about the highly controversial French government's ban against the 'burka'. Interesting to openly discuss something i understand better as a muslim myself. You needn't always agree, you can voice your own views & create your own standpoint from the different ideas & information collected from these mentally stimulating, friendly, & cosy meetings. Love it!

Here's the info on the coming book club (in 2 days to be exact, eek!)


Miss Seetoh In The World
by local author Catherine Lim.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011
7:00pm to 9:00pm
UNIFEM Office, No. 2 Nassim Road

Also, join UNIFEM on Facebook & follow them on Twitter.

Hope to see you there!

letters & friends

Remember my lovely friend Lizzy? Well, she sent me a message not too long ago to ask what i thought about writing letters to each other. My answer? "Yes, please!". There's nothing i love more than pretty paperie, getting ambitiously crafty and continuing a wonderful friendship the old-fashioned way. Which in my opinion, being the traditionalist that i am, feels truly sincere & expressive. Digital mediums just can't do it the way letters can, however way you cut it. Only my thoughts though!

We haven't officially started writing to each other just yet. Liz will land in the UK in about 2 weeks and as soon as she's settled in, she'll send me her first letter with her mailing address so i can write back. I cannot wait!

P.S have you heard of the Benevolent Postcard Society? I've posted about them sometime ago and i'm still smittened by this charming project. Wouldn't it be so nice to form a tiny club of people from different corners of the world to exchange postcards and well wishes?

on not being a 'morning person'

hello everybody, how's the week been?

I endured a whole week of drama & it's been very draining but i'm glad everything is moving to normality already. last night, i did what i thought i would never be able to do. With just a drop of discipline (that means resisting the urge to meet the boy for dinner) & a whole day of tolerating a sleep-deprived headache as well as coughing spells, i hibernated. I slept from 7.30pm (i kid you not) all the way through this morning. I feel so good now!

This will be yet another confession but is there any of you who identifies yourself as 'not-a-morning-person'? & somewhat know that has created a barrier in your life for many years? Well, i am that person, at least not shamelessly. I was thinking long and hard about this all morning & i reflected upon days when i feel great at work & everything just work towards how i want it to, then it finally seeped into my thick skull that i've been in denial all along. All i needed, ALL ALONG, was early nights & good sleep!

Ahh, if you're anything like me, you know that you've dished out all possible excuses to not come to terms with this FACT. So discipline, for the most part of it, is what i'm lacking! Which i sadly & with shame admit that i have a long way to go with that.

And then, that again boils down to what your resolutions are right? While it is highly debatable that New Year resolutions are any help at all, i say that it doesn't hurt a damn bit to take a stab at it. I mean, there's nothing to lose except to risk gaining something healthy for you & your life. So one of my new year's resolution from last year was to think, with a conscious effort, how i can be better everyday. I'll tell you as it is, it doesn't escalate daily. Some days, you back down a bit & shed the black of your stripes. Or even, without realising, you've started a brand new department of a problem while addressing & successfully zapping the others. It's daily, it's constant & it's all part of being human.

On top of struggling to be a better person by thinking about how i can achieve that, i also feed myself with materials that i know is food for my soul. Overall, i think it's done me a world of good. Most importantly, it can never and should never stop.

So my current priority is to get enough sleep. Do you have your shortcomings from not being a morning person?

Grassdoe

Don't you ever wish you could live in a place where you can just marvel at nature everyday? I love being surrounded by nature & my paternal family's traditional kampung (or kampong) in Malaysia is one of my favourite places to visit.

Fundamentally, I relish the idea of not having to consume processed food & mass produced unhealthy poultry, while getting unlimited access to fresh, crisp & clean air. Oh, how divine?

This blog by photographer Jonathan Levitt has given me every sound reason to want this so much more! It documents the wonderful, healthy & natural lifestyle that comes with living on a farm blanketed by nature. Walking through the woods, swimming in the sea, spending all your time with the people you love, having a BBQ.. What i wouldn't do for a life like this.
And whoever said you can't do all that without looking cool?