a distant dream

I want to live free..

To find myself.

To marvel at the world and kneel humbly to its creator.

To fall in love with life and to dance outside the context of a degenerating society.

current video digs

1. Made in Iceland
Klara Harden took a lonesome hike across beautiful Iceland on her own. Beautiful & awe inspiring.

MADE IN ICELAND from Klara Harden on Vimeo.

2. Young Farmers series on SHFT TV.

Young Farmers from SHFT on Vimeo.

Enjoy! xx

4 questions to self: 2011/2012

It's that time of the year again. For two years (maybe 3), i've been doing a 'look back'. Wasn't going to miss this year even though we're almost a week into 2012. Nevertheless, here's my observation of 2011.

2011 was, simply put, bloody awesome. I never imagined i would grow so much as a person and doors after doors of opportunities opened for me. All praises be to the One who has made it so for me.

I remember walking into the year wanting to leave behind all the pain of 2010, i wanted to really heal and then charge ahead. In healing, i found a completely different perspective of life and from that view of the 'grand scheme of things', i've never been happier. This 'perspective' is spirituality.

Note that this was never part of the 'plan'. I knew i was starting to get more curious and more engaged in finding out how to be wholly happy in this terrifying day and age but lo and behold! I found a way of life, a little 'trick' that gives you clarity and sheds light in the areas of life we never did explore. I never imagined i'd get on this path but i do believe that anyone can walk this way for as long as you sincerely 'seek' an answer to all the knots in your head. The keyword here is: sincere.

And be brave, take what you've learnt on a test run and you might find that some people frown or laugh or hiss bitter little things at you but you're in charge of your own life so take control. If you like your new lifestyle, pack up and MOVE for good. Some parts of your life will repair while others change forever but this new life is worth starting afresh. Keep going & feel liberated.

So some priorities changed, some resolutions changed, some new stuff added and some removed permanently. 2011 also saw me taking on a new job, getting engaged to my bestfriend (and my heartbreaker no less haha), nailed my own place (that's in the works now), going organic, quitting my hedonistic addiction, reforming myself and sorting out my life for at least the next couple of years. So last year was truly a TRANSITIONAL year.

This year, its just going through the motions. I won't be complacent to ride on this peace of mind, i do intend to exercise my brain juices to learn more, see more, try more and do more. I intend to travel a little further, do the things i've always wanted to do or try - while building on a fatter wallet (big challenge).

My personal resolutions are to maintain a more positive outlook, overcome my lack of self discipline, try to hold up a few pillars as best as i can, get into the pink of health (more healthier choices to be made) and then finally i hope to end the year with a 10km run. Note: i hated running with a passion, it's a love-hate relationship now but this is to prove to myself that i can do ANYTHING as long as i put my fire into it and just blaze.

So i will turn 24 this year, i still want to shy away from it but hey if i can pack up my life's resume with as much experience and learning as i can, i may very well be living 35 years of life at what, 26? Yes, i'm a bit too ambitious i admit. Just wish me well because i will be on my way anyway.

And now for my 4 questions posted end of 2010 for the end of 2011:

Are you happy?
Never been happier. Its not the status of my life it's the clarity of my head, ridding the heart of all things negative and then leaving behind everything that brings bad energy.

Did you fulfill all your resolutions (including a driver's license!)?
Haha! Yes all my resolutions have been fulfilled and much more, WITH THE EXCEPTION of my driver's license. This is the only big fail for me. Nevertheless, better late than never. My lessons will roll out in two weeks!

Are you truly living & your soul put together?
To compare where i was mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, i feel yes i'm finally living. Like i finally know how to without being miserable all the time. I'm so much braver and far much tougher but without all the angst and temper. I deal with failure so much better! Still living life on the fast lane but i take breathers now and mastered the 'art of doing nothing'. Put that into practice ever so often now.

Is my soul put together? It's a daily struggle, some days i'm in and some days i'm out. But the struggle is what makes the journey. And there is no one who has the correct formula for this. So on days i'm scattered, i'll tell myself "try again tomorrow".

What did you do as a form of charity?
This is a little personal. It wasn't huge but it was sufficient and constant enough. To say what i did would belittle great people and portray them as poor and incapable. These guys are humble, beautiful folks. I just think of it as sharing or as giving back because they're too kind. Just not feeling the word 'charity' here.

So four questions for the end of this year:

Did you get that god damn driver's license (haha!)?
Did you travel to the places you wanted to?
Are you healthier & ran that 10km race?
Were you balanced the whole year?

There you have it. Nothing too deep because we've covered all the inner works last year. This year's theme is balance. I will have fun, be fitter, more disciplined, explore places, learn new things and stretch out my time daily to accomplish all my obligations & resposibilities.

I hope you all had a great year and an even better one this year.

I'll conclude this post with my annual saying:
It's a new year full of chances to try again where we failed, to progress further from what we've accomplished, to take on new challenges, to be making a difference in the world, to ultimately be a better person. Year after year. Let's age with courage, grace, love, & wisdom.

stuff i haven't got to share..

I thought i'd share all the little new additions in my life. Just to celebrate the sunshine, which i so love.

1. Dessert Table

Took a stab at this for my sweet nephew. The thought alone felt distant & almost impossible but we did it & had so much fun! Nautical because it is a timeless theme. Personally, at least.

2. My Engagement Ring! by Bario-Neal

If you know me well enough, you'll know i'm no fan of conventional jewellery. 'Handcrafted' is perfect for my bling appetite. Big time. The imperfections & knowing that every piece may have suffered or enhanced from maybe a funny angle of the maker's arm, his mood, the weather.. something. The very human, abstract concept is so magical to me. I feel like it speaks. I thought this ring, apart from it being simply beautiful, makes so much sense. A knot to be tied.. but not quite yet! I'll keep this piece forever.

3. Sarah Wilson An AMAZING woman. Here's some background information on why she inspires me: Like Sarah, i suffer from an auto-immune disease. Now this is only an umbrella term for many different diseases that comes under this shade. What it does is, it makes your immune system go bonkers. Where the immune system is meant to drop in and help your body, it probably isn't. Where it's not meant to be working, it probably is. It's difficult & it's usually chronic. Your mood, your food, your lifestyle, every little thing about you can aggravate this disease. Most, if not all auto-immune diseases are 1st world diseases. Why?

In her blog, the Australian TV personality & journalist shares how she deals with it. Inadvertently, she cracks secrets behind the junk we're consuming from our supermarket aisles, radiation from our home appliances, our modern lifestyle & how all that contributes to our health. She also blogs about social stigmas, social responsibilities, going green, happiness, buddhist thoughts, spiritual health & so much other good stuff. And of course, she's totally hot.

4. My Organic Adventure

So because one thing leads to another. Sarah's blog has forced me to rethink my daily supplies. Soap, food (including my cat's!), bottles, everything. I'm officially on a journey now. I quit table sugars, use organic soap & shampoo, included supplements into my diet.. the list is ever-expanding & these baby steps have already proven to come a long way. You actually feel the difference. Lovin' it.

5. Suhaib Webb

"Suhaib Webb is a contemporary American-Muslim educator, activist, and lecturer." - Wikipedia

Its a bonus, this imam is definitely into hiphop. I came across suhaibwebb.com & read articles that instantaneously renewed my faith. This is a blog created for the American Muslim youths but because we're not too far different from them, i found relevance. Answers after answers. As cyber as it seems, imam Suhaib Webb & his soul-saving site are like THE islamic teachers of my life. Archaic ideologies are what they are, archaic. It felt impossible to apply what my parents were taught back in the days, into my life today. But this, this is practical advice. Its a huge warm welcome to the curious cats who no longer knew where to go or just what to do to find their spiritual center.

Beyond everything, this website has taught me to live & to think further, deeper, purer. This decade's islamophobia phenomenon has made it far more difficult for us liberal muslim youths to understand, practice & spread a better understanding of our peaceful religion. Believe me when i say, it will not only give you the manuals on how to tackle anti-islam sentiments, it will urge you to live life intelligently & responsibly. I cannot put into words how differently i now tackle so many aspects of my life today. It's like my entire view of life & the world, has never made more sense.

mercy

O my Lord, if the greatness of my sins increase,
then I know that Your forgiveness is greater
If only the righteous called on You,
then who would the criminal go to?
I call on You my Lord, as you commanded, with reverence
And if You turn my hands away,
then who else will have mercy?

- The Tawba Of Abu Nuwas

jazz for a rainy afternoon

Happy holiday! The monsoon is here, so it's raining beautifully outside again & we are all relaxing, taking a day off from our knee jerking morning routines at the desk aren't we?

As at this moment, i am absolutely relaxed. Really just chilling out. It's cold & gorgeous, i've got a playlist of the best jazz for this weather, i'm not fussing about not having any plans or if i would get to run at all today.. i'm going to just cruise through the afternoon, feeling so blessed.

Ahh.. indeed, the best things in life are free.

Here's some superb music that can't be anymore apt for this surreal afternoon. So go on, dim the house, have a cuppa, listen to the rain, kick back & relax. Here's to life, everyone.

have yourself some girly time, if you're feeling me

I've been feeling my way around solitude lately. Trying to find some space, trying to get centered and really just reaching deep into my soul to fling out a very bashed up Maria for a little chat. My mind is scattered & i'm not digging it.

For years, i've been on a roll to set the stage perfect so that the foundations of my life are powerful for me to grow forth from here. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. I love living life on the fast lane and being unstoppable because time is most perishable. BUT.

I spent this year, making big decisions for my life. Huge. They materialised & i see the fruits of my labour. Now that i'm here at the summit of my own mountain, why don't i feel any different? I should be feeling extremely accomplished to have ticked almost everything on my life's list at my youth's peak, right? I don't.

I've learnt that i am fed up and simply exhausted because boy oh boy, don't i just love to vacuum the life out of myself? But these days.. Ahhh these days. I give up. I spend too much time shuttling between planning, being worried, trying to sort every single thing out..

Now, i'm going to cut the crap and eat the apples of my hard work.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time i told myself "do this, you DESERVE it" or submit to the temptations of splurging on myself just because. I can't remember the last time i did something pampering without feeling guilty. I can't even remember the last time i plucked my eyebrows correctly, what more perfectly. Heck, i don't remember the last time i felt like a queen. All dolled up, feeling like a million dollars, pampered even if for just a little while?

So guess what. I'm going on vacation though not literally. I'm going to put all that energy that i put on driving high speed through my life into MYSELF.

I'm taking many off days ahead to have 'me' time. To drop everything and listen to my own heart for decisions, to listen to my body for healing, to tap myself on the back for doing what i did right, to pray with gratitude for life but simultaneously break the monotony of it to be alive. Most importantly, to love me like i should be loved.

My mind, heart and soul is on a holiday.

Because hell yeah, i DESERVE it.

last weekend at Farmer's Market

Visiting the (now) fortnightly Farmer's Market has always been on my list but i've never really gave it a go, up until last weekend. Definitely the best morning i've had in a really long time. Breakfast + sampling almost everything they had there. The discovery of Spanish tortas is delightful & so is sampling cheeses as you make your rounds.

Enjoyed lovely little chats with these passionate vendors about their products, hometown, going organic and all that jazz. Learnt much, had fun & will definitely head down more often. Not your average market place & a break from your regular Cold Storage hits. Go!

More info on Farmer's Market & the idea behind it.

being here at this moment

Hello,

I know i've been away for far too long. During which, I have met lovely people i've never met in my life who told me they read & love my blog. I am awfully touched & i don't think i've ever felt anything like it when i meet people like you. Strangers who have connected with me anonymously, maybe even spiritually, but surfaced for a little, special friendship. I think it's magical that we love what we love & have found each other. Nothing flatters me more than when you enjoy my blog but i shouldn't just say it. So that's why i'm here.. yet again. I appreciate your encouragement, my friends. For you, i am forever thankful.

Where do we begin to catch up?

How about that little picture above to say how i'm feeling at the moment? Typical of me much?

Good to be home, i'll see you again tomorrow!

an alternate city life

If in the perfect world, i'm left with no choice but to remain a city girl forever, I would choose a life & home that looks exactly like this..
So genius. This is Annie Novak's Rooftop Farm, see more here at The Selby!

a baby ballerina's dream

My cousin Mimi recently threw the prettiest pink birthday party for her 5 year old daughter. Just to give you a brief background of the themes she's chosen over the years, my cousin has tastefully shy away from 'cartoon' themed parties, to create parties with its own personal 'character'. In this case, birthday girl Sarah, is one who looooooves dancing & believe she's born to dance (at age 5 she's made this discovery!). Looking at her, that seems earnestly genuine but i would usually never encourage ballet for its unnatural grooming of the body, competitive nature &..... okay, let's not go there.

Anyway, this spread is too pretty to not throw in a mention. What makes it more wonderful is that my cousin, as we all would know her by now, perfects it DIY with economical materials from thrift stores! Swoons!
If you are a dessert table junkie, check out the renown Amy Atlas!

Also, we have an Amy Atlas equivalent here in sunny Singapore too, The Wedding Chateau. Uhhmazing.

Happy midweek everybody!

a flawless white kitchen

Was going through a dozen home tours and found this white kitchen to be solid, clean, & uber chic. What a beauty, seriously. I'm also going bonkers about how much light streams into it. I'm such a sucker for bright & beautiful spaces. What excuse would there be left to not whip up a storm in the kitchen?
from Style At Home via Black*Eiffel

Have A Cool & Beautiful Monday!

The rain is notorious & endless. For as much as i'm freezing & fussily shuttling around in my little rain trench, i'm really grateful for the rain. My idea of majestic beauty. Let's enjoy it before our hot & humid weather comes to stay for a long while starting March.

On a separate note, see if you can relate to this. Something i constantly strive for. (p.s it's strange but it's got everything i love to do in it. EVERYTHING.)

My sentiments exactly.

the modern, well-educated WOMAN - what does she want?

Hello! How's it going?

Yesterday i attended the said book club & again was not disappointed. Being me, dying to be back in school & revive some creativity, this was therapy. The one thing i really, truly love about being part of a book club is that it gives the book you've read more depth, if that means anything. I wasn't done reading Catherine Lim's Miss Seetoh in the World when i attended the meeting last night, i was up until chapter 6 & had 14 more chapters to go but it was really building up for me. I liked it & thought 'everyone's going to give it a thumbs up, or two'. But NO. Much to my surprise, a third of the members did not like it. Very interesting.

The different views allowed for us to think about parts of the book that we didn't think much of until it was brought to light by another member. So your idea of the book forms only the root & with the addition of ideas from separate perspectives, it becomes a tree. Branching out into more avenues for thought. A tree of knowledge. You think creatively without paying tuition. I like it.

Miss Seetoh is a polished, poised, well-educated lady who made the decision to slip into a marriage with a man she did not love, or at least thought that she did. Set in Singapore sometime in the 60s, where reservation was still well maintained by tradition, she was stuck.. being a woman. A passionate lover of the English language, she became a teacher much adored by her students for her fun & unconventional methods of teaching. All she ever longed for was freedom. First she wanted to have her own bed because she had shared hers with her mother until she got married, then she wanted her own room, her own house, & of course, her own life made by her own decisions. She was a modern lady shackled by tradition or family pressure, a conservative society, a pressing government, & more than anything, womanhood.

Seetoh realizes shortly after her honeymoon that her marriage was doomed to fail. He so passionately in love with her and she, so full of regrets. The ultimate one being her accepting his hand in marriage. She & her husband were part of a community of devout catholics & divorce was unthinkable & not to mention, a solution that was not within her reach. She wasn't afraid of God as much as she was afraid of society at large. It spiraled down further when her husband became a monster fed by his insecurities which developed since he discovered that this love was not mutual. He died not long later & she had her freedom. Or did she?

I won't discuss the different views on this book but some of the things running through my mind right now..
What's the definition of freedom for a woman?
How long can you enjoy that private sanctuary you call personal space aka freedom before your maternal nature intrudes?
Does it even matter - maternity?
Is this what every brilliant, well-educated, modern woman grapple with - freedom vs. marriage?
Is marriage really nothing more than a dark, suffocating dungeon or do they just scare themselves so much?
When a woman loves her craft with vicious passion, does she lose her interest to become a woman more than to become a great artist?
Finally, the modern woman is so resistant & never wants to submit - is she too narcissistic? Or worse, just plain selfish?

UNIFEM Book Club - Miss Seetoh in the World

Welcome back to Monday (snores)! We had a nice weekend, didn't we?

Just a giving everyone a heads up about the UNIFEM Book Club. The dates are out but i might be accused of posting this too late. Bummer. I'm really sorry!

The UNIFEM Book Club is open to any of us who's interested to discuss global issues affecting women. It covers everything from abuse, oppression, freedom, poverty, education & etc. I don't consider it a feminist event because from the last one i attended, the ladies did mention it'll be great to hear a gentleman's point of view about these topics. I really urge you to come & join us because it's refreshing, engaging, & really inspirational.

I do recommend that you keep an open mind about the discussion. Once, we discussed about the highly controversial French government's ban against the 'burka'. Interesting to openly discuss something i understand better as a muslim myself. You needn't always agree, you can voice your own views & create your own standpoint from the different ideas & information collected from these mentally stimulating, friendly, & cosy meetings. Love it!

Here's the info on the coming book club (in 2 days to be exact, eek!)


Miss Seetoh In The World
by local author Catherine Lim.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011
7:00pm to 9:00pm
UNIFEM Office, No. 2 Nassim Road

Also, join UNIFEM on Facebook & follow them on Twitter.

Hope to see you there!

parents-are-out-of-town-weekend-potluck

Hooray for Friday! What will you guys be up to? My folks are out of town this weekend & they've permitted me to hold what i would call "my-folks-are-out-of-town-potluck-party". Intimate affair with the usual suspects. Can't wait! My weekends have been so eventful!

Wishing you a lovely time too! xoxo

p.s Will be trying out yet another chicken dish: Skillet Rosemary Chicken. Both the food & photography is just delish.

dirt biking weekend

Yea, that's right. The word 'dirt' was just too seductive to my nature-hungry being at the time my cousin brought up the idea. So i gave it a go. It was my her birthday & i really want to give back to everyone who's been a huge part of my life, as best as i can. She wanted to try this & i thought, why not?
So we got on a bumboat & headed for the sleepy town of Pengerang just south of Desaru, Johor, Malaysia. Simple, quiet, laid-back & kampung food - perfect. I was in love. And what better way to visit such a place if not to try something new, right?
So i got a pitbike or a 'pocket bike'. Tiny like a little bicycle. Not my first time riding a bike but that didn't help one bit. I couldn't get the throttling right! Embarrassingly, my cousin locked it in within minutes! She was happily making her turns, trying different gears.

My man's zoomed off to a completely different course, leaving us newbies to learn around a cute little dirt loop. I'm thoroughly envious! But you know, i'm optimistic. Maybe even a dreamer. Someday soon, i want to ride with you on a big ass bike too!
As soon we got to the trail, i was so comfortable zooming everywhere! So much fun! So i won the challenge i made for myself. Hooray! I had a little accident though but you'll never hear of it. Haha.
Fun-filled weekend on the whole. I'll give it a 10 for everything. New experience, new skill, sleepy town, nature, friendly people, kampung lunch, amazing company & a very happy cousin. Looking forward to trying this out again & a little more constantly!

Hope everyone had a splendid weekend too & having a good week so far! I'm not in my element these past couple of days, i'm feeling really lethargic! Determined to be back in shape before the weekend. 3 more days everybody! Let's go!

4 questions to self : 2010/2011

My sweet readers,

If you hang out here with me long enough, you might~ remember that i posted 4 questions for myself to answer at the end of 2010 & i've decided that this will be a personal tradition for my life. Feel free to take on the idea if you find it a useful tool to measure your accomplishments, somehow. Here we go!

Questions to self:
Did you fulfill all your resolutions?
I'm happy to report that YES I managed to fulfill them all EXCEPT to get a driver's license. That's right, I feel like a total loser about it. As a consolation, all these resolutions are now a concrete foundation to take on 2011. So very contented. Stepping up the game for personal upgrade - mind, body & soul!

Have you quitted your bad habits?
Not entirely! I wouldn't say i didn't do very well either. I replaced a fancy list of bad habits with good ones. So to give you a better picture, out of 100%, i managed to rid 80%! (does anyone agree i deserve to binge on some chicken wings this weekend?)

Did you work hard and try to live a balanced life?
Indeed. Something i'm very proud of this year. My time was carefully given into good proportions & honestly, this is my favourite change about myself. I can cook whenever i feel like, blog, spend quality time with friends & family, read, do everything i love without sacrificing sleep, & even managed to squeeze in mini getaways. Looking forward to utilising this new skill further with plans to explore different avenues of self-upgrade. Hooray!

Are you happy?
Difficult. I am contented, does this count? But i'm working my way towards being wholly happy. I'm looking forward to answering this again at the end of this year.

xoxo

I hope everyone had a fulfilling 2010. It's a new year full of chances to try again where we failed, to progress further from what we've accomplished, to take on new challenges, to be making a difference in the world, to ultimately be a better person. Year after year. Let's age with courage, grace, love, & wisdom.

4 questions to self for 2012:
Are you happy?
Did you fulfill all your resolutions (including a driver's license!)?
Are you truly living & your soul put together?
What did you do as a form of charity?

Full steam ahead, everybody!

au revoir 2010; an open letter to myself

Dear Maria,

Let the world know that you did not depart the past year crippled by disappointments & betrayals, hard luck & setbacks, bad decisions & shortcomings. 2010 left you with scars aplenty but they exist only to remind you to wear them proud & as medals won. Besides, why pursue a battle if not to win? Let them know that glory is in the cradle of your arms because you understand those testing times provide the most holistic & nonpareil education for your soul to flourish & you chose to be the golden girl, the unflinching student, the best.

That year is gone. Another year you live & love. Lived & lost. The worst that you have had to live through, i'm sorry. I'm sorry if the world is designed so far beyond perfect & you cannot comprehend why good begets hate, loyalty begets treachery, & love begets unthinkable betrayal. You suffered much & deep this time but never for nothing. Let it go. To begin, you can never look back & pick a year that wasn't difficult for you. You were never shortlisted to be part of a population that is entitled to a life so easy to live. You know hardship like it is the veins of your hands.

Once again, you're a wounded dog crawling home today. But this new year, you bring home with you the prime concept of faith. I'm happy that you've found your spiritual self though you need to nurture it much more. You now recognise that being a slave is not below you if for the rightful master. So you bury your tiny feet into the earth to stay rooted & give your thanks.

What cannot destroy you, makes you stronger. As it is written, every test sent down is not one beyond your individual capacity to overcome it. The world is not unfair afterall, Maria. It's just in the way you perceive it. It's how foolishly or intelligently you choose to conquer it. There will be much more to come & you will again be battered but i promise you that it is worth it.

Believe that for as long as you have faith, you're invincible. Let the world try to trample you, tell them today that you will never be rattled.

This is your foundation. Happy new year to you.

when life gives you lemons,,

Plop it into your iced tea! This is my favourite: caesar salad + iced tea, at my favourite cafe. Oh and this new book i'm reading is truly a masterpiece. Hope to share that with you soon! True love in little packages, bursting pockets of surprises. dududuhhhh~

So excited about the new year! It's been a wonderful year but i'm looking forward to all the big projects that i have planned. A few personal upgrades, a few travel destinations & plenty of big, grown-up decisions to make. A brand new journey that's bigger, better, faster. This is about to get interesting, so ready for some real action & adventure.

Also a little note for a very sad Gyira. Hope you'd pick up a book, smoke some fags & have girly time. You'll be back in shape in no time. Here's hoping for better days ahead! I promise to recommend some books & do a little review soon since i once told you i would but never did. xoxo

Happy Wednesday, my sweets!